Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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