I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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