I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Randomize
