I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Its about making memories worth repressing
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
