I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
