I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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