Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
His hands were made for my vagina.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
