there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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