State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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