he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
