I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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