Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Randomize
