I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Randomize
