I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
