Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We're too hungover to prance.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
