Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
