I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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