I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
