I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
