I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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