i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
