my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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