So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
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