I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
