wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
