I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just had sex on a roof
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
