Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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