Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
