she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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