how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
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