Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
