Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
