People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
