He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Can I color on your dick again?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
