you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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