We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
