FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
