Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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