And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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