whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
