Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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