Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Dicks are not precious.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
