So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
