i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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