I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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