she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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