Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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