mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
