i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
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