Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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