No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
